---
title: "Change the Friends Around You"
description: "A talk for the moment you have changed and the people you love have not."
author: "Rahim Rasul"
type: "Podcast episode"
series: "Halftime Talks"
episode: 147
published: "2017-10-24"
duration: "13 min"
theme: "Voice and identity"
tags: "friendship, peer group, loyalty, growth"
audio: "https://traffic.libsyn.com/secure/rahimrasul/HTT_147_ChangeThePeople.mp3?dest-id=175061"
url: "https://iloveprocess.com/halftime/change-the-friends-around-you/"
site: "I Love Process"
---

# Change the Friends Around You

_A talk for the moment you have changed and the people you love have not._

**The question:** Who are we to become if they don't come with us?

Listen: https://traffic.libsyn.com/secure/rahimrasul/HTT_147_ChangeThePeople.mp3?dest-id=175061

## Before you listen

What happens when the inspiration bug finds you and not your peers? Do you ease off the gas, or hold your course and try to carry them? My peer group had a mantra for it: if you can't change the friends around you, change the friends around you. It took me more than a decade to hear all its layers.

The hard part is loyalty, because these are the people who got you here. The talk's answer is that seasons come with casts of characters: when the way you see the world changes, your circle has to expand. I learned that the heartbroken way, wondering why people couldn't see what I saw. Your friends deserve the same freedom to write their own story.

Listen for the seasons near the end: nobody gets mad when fall comes and the leaves go. Then the hero who leaves home to come back with more to give the family.

## From the talk

> Early in my life, I didn't understand that seasons come with casts of characters.
>
> I'm allowed to give other people the same freedom that was afforded to me to write my own story.
>
> All heroes must leave home in order to come back more capable of providing resources for the family.

## Sit with this

- How could I betray those friendships?

## Transcript

Let's jump into the episode. To begin this episode, I want to begin with the quote the quote that is the basis of this episode, I heard this quote for the first time in college and I, I didn't truly understand it till I sat back and got some perspective on it. And once I truly heard it, it would be more than a decade or two decades after that, until this present point where you find me right now before I fully see the depths and layers, that's within this quote, the simple quote, and the quote goes on as if you can't change the friends around you, then change the friends around you. Now, obviously, when I say that it makes perfect sense, it makes total sense that if you cannot actually change the psychology change the temperament, the attitudes and behaviors of those around you, then you need to revamp your inner circle.

Now, the reason why this has been such a complicated idea is because there's a sense of loyalty, there's a sense of, you know, they're the community that has got me to this point. And how could I betray? How could I betray those friendships? Now, obviously, this sounds like a crazy movie where the the main protagonist is caught between choosing the past or choosing their future. But I would tell you and I would say to you, that is exactly what you're doing. Because the peace of mind that you seek the things that you aspire toward, is only a function of your life experiences, the highs and lows that you've been through, early on after I heard this quote. Another popular quote is that your net worth is the average of the five people you hang out with the most.

Now there's reasons why these quotes are these quotes is because the psychology that you adopt the way that you orient yourself to the world is also most likely shared by Are the people that you spend the majority of your time with? Now, early in my life, I didn't understand that seasons come with casts of characters. Like, it's fair to say that at certain points in our life, we evolved, we evolved not only who we are, but the way that we see the world. And in seeing the world a little bit differently, we have to upgrade. Now, the change, is it a negation of the community, it is an expansion of the community, it is an expansion of those that you seek, and you also contain compatibility with, into groundedness. to ground us in a a realistic, or practical stories I remember early on in my growth and maturity, or reading these books, I'm becoming in tune with a certain level of my own self awareness.

And the most powerful thing in the world happens is that this this paradigm shifts shifts the way that we see the world, our own ambitions, it changes what we want for ourselves and somewhere deep within ourselves. Somewhere primal, something so human about us, loves the new sight, the landscape and perspective that we now hold, that we want to bring those we love, along with us. Now, from the outside looking in, we become enlivened to the point that it probably looks a little crazy from the outside looking at it. And that evangelism, that evangelism to something that is new to you, doesn't necessarily mean that it resonates with those you love. And we do our best, we hope for the best. And sometimes even those we love, catch a whiff of it, and are cognitively curious.

But it's not enough for the change. So who are we to become if they don't come with us, if you can't change the people around you, you need to change the people around you. People who have the same affiliations, people who have the same attitudes, people who have the same mindsets. And the past is a very unforgiving day. The people in your community have a very interesting rule. First of all, number one, they're going through their own journey, seeing the world and experiencing the conflict that they confront on a day to day basis, which sometimes has nothing to do with you. And sometimes we conflate their opinions, as if they are speaking into the realm of our own thoughts, feelings and desires. That's not always the case.

I've learned I've learned sometimes the hard way, the heartbroken way, not understanding why people can't see what I see. So clearly, not understanding why I feel sometimes like I'm on an island. It's because I've changed. It's because I've chosen different pools of information and interests that speak to who I have become who life has sculpted and molded me into, in my journey. The battles that I've faced the Titans that I've fought the tools that I've used, reflect my story. And as soon as we gain that level of empathy and compassion, that my story is not the global story, the broader story or the community story, I'm allowed to give other people the same freedom that was afforded to me to write my own story. And while what we've shared in those great and glorious moments can never be erased or eradicated, the expansion has to continue.

Your expansion has to continue. My expansion has to continue and sometimes it's not that you're leaving anything is that you're going toward who you know you're capable of being and sometimes those bonds move with you unconditionally without Any kind of angst, or contrast or conflict with your previous circles. But once those friends truly understand who you are, and you're unapologetic to the nature that you possess within yourself, they wish you well, they understand that this is not necessarily a slide against them. But this is an expression of you. And that level of empathy is the same level of empathy that you should also afford them. If you can't change the friends around you. It's also awesome to recognize that the friends around you change, take heat, go for a sick bless.

A lot of times it can't be as, as beautiful and as perfect as sometimes our imaginations would desire. Like I said, the people in our lives, sometimes they represent the seasons of life. And we don't get mad when the fall comes and the leaves go away, because guess what spring that we back around. But for now, it's time for us to resume in the circles that know that get that understand us, that carve us that shape us that bring the best out of us that allow us to run full speed, unapologetic to the attributes and the skills and talents that we've molded up to this point. All heroes must leave home in order to come back more capable of providing resources for the family. This has been another episode of halftime talk.

So the ultimate message is if you can't change the friends around you, I suggest you change the friends around you. I appreciate all those friends who gave me this quote and I appreciate the friends you've taught me many of my life lessons. Sometimes those friends you just have to accept and so I accept that.